Anglicans. Kirkland-brand Catholics.
Episcopalians. Kirkland-brand Anglicans.
Eastern Orthodox – Catholics, but with cooler beards.
Methodists. These folks branched off from the Anglican church after it became too boring but hung on to all the great church traditions such as organ music, legalism and holding rummage sales. And if you hold a biblical view of marriage, there’s good news — there are still Methodist churches in Africa and Korea you can go to!
Baptists. Do you hate dancing, rock music and Dungeons & Dragons? Boy, oh boy, do we have the denomination for you! Baptist churches are trying to move into the 21st century with guitars and drums, but the church secretary Ethel sure is upset about it. One bonus of being Baptist is you can kind of believe whatever, because the pastor probably doesn’t even know what his church’s statement of faith says. Nice!
Evangelical Non-denominational. Undercover Baptists.
Lutherans. All the boring parts of Catholicism married to all the boring parts of Protestantism. The original Protestants, the Lutheran church began in 1963 shortly following Martin Luther’s “I Have A Dream” speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial. In order to join, a person must be at least 70 years old, live in Lake Wobegon and have a bizarre obsession with Jell-O.
Presbyterians. Carriers of the moniker “Frozen Chosen” because of their Calvinist beliefs and catatonic state, Presbyterians were predestined to become the denominational equivalent of stale toast. Forget raising your hands during worship — if you so much as show the slightest emotion with your facial expression, you will be flogged by a deacon.
Catholics. Have an affinity for Latin and guilt? The Catholics started off with an epic 1,500-year run keeping the denomination game on lockdown before Luther came along in the fourth quarter and messed everything up. Generally seen by Protestants as just one rung above Mormons on the “Are they really Christian” scale, Catholics are known for having lots of rules and praying to Mary and saints for some reason. Weird!
Pentecostals. A movement started in the early 20th century, attending a Pentecostal worship service is like going to a drug-fueled rave — for Jesus! What’s not to like? And best of all, if you don’t like what scripture says, just have your own personal revelation and write it right in the back of your Bible!
Calvary Chapel. “Whoa, man, we’re totally not a denomination, dude! Come on, bro, we’re just, like, chill Christian dudes hangin’ out and lovin’ on Jesus and surfin’ and stuff! Gnarly!”
Cavalry Chapel. Obscure cult that worships soldiers on horseback.
Churches of Christ. Another non-denominational denomination. They love the Bible and full-immersion baptism as much as they hate musical instruments. They’ve also got the Duck Dynasty guys, drastically improving their otherwise mediocre beard game.
Unitarian Universalists – See: atheists. We’ll even take the Mormons over these guys!